


The Ghost of Things We Don't Regret

by Kairi_of_Knives



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Just like every other person alive I wanted to write a Sheith and Adam fic, M/M, Pre-Slash, Relationship closure, Season 7 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-14 02:01:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15378285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kairi_of_Knives/pseuds/Kairi_of_Knives
Summary: "Tell me honestly. If you could go back to that time and change how you reacted, would you?"Adam blanched a bit, and shakily replied. "No.""I wouldn't change my choice either.  So I guess neither of us has anything to regret."--After the fight to liberate Earth from the Galra has ended, the Paladins struggle to adjust to a temporary stay on Earth.  Shiro in particular is faced with the ghost of what his life could have been, his ex-boyfriend and almost-fiance, Adam.  No matter how content Shiro is spending his evenings singing horribly to the radio with Keith and Krolia in their little shack in the desert, face one's past is never easy.





	The Ghost of Things We Don't Regret

Being back on Earth again was the wrong type of overwhelming after the fresh hell they had just gone through trying to get here in the first place.  The lions were a collective mess, they’d been starving for the last four days, and their welcome party had been fighting off Sendak and a fleet of Galra soldiers.  The fight had been arduous, incredibly painful, but had eventually ended in Sendak’s retreat. Now, they got to deal with an even more terrifying foe: the vast emptiness of being back home despite all the intense changes they’d gone through.  

 

Some of them got a lesser version of it, Lance for example.  His mother and eldest sister teased him relentlessly about how space had been good for him, how maybe he would respect his mother’s wishes and come home for a weekend (he had, with Allura in tow amusingly enough).  Hunk’s father had fretted instantly that space sounded much more dangerous than they thought and was Hunk really sure he wanted to go back? (He and Keith had shared a private smile. So that was where he got his nervousness from.)  Pidge’s mom had lost them all in series with little to no hope that any of them were alive, so she was instantly forgiven for her frankly embarrassing outburst at the state of Pidge’s hair.

 

(“You look like Matt with that sloppy cut, darling.  You had such gorgeous long hair too. It’ll take forever to grow that back.”

 

“Mom, that was kinda the point.  And what’s wrong with looking like Matt?”

 

“Katie darling, let’s just say I am tentatively relying on you for grandchildren.”)

 

That only left himself and Keith, the odd ones out with no one standing teary-eyed awaiting their return.  Which was, oddly enough, a slight relief. There was one particular face that Shiro had pictured seeing there once.  One that, after two years and more horrors written into his flesh than any sole person deserved, he was slightly relieved to not see.  Iverson had of course offered him a senior officer’s suite for himself at the Garrison. He couldn’t imagine it was anything other than a very indirect apology for blaming their failure of the Kerberos mission on the slowly deteriorating, young ace pilot who everyone expected to fail anyway.  Shiro had very contently declined that offer, choosing instead to join Keith and Krolia on their mission to make that old shack more livable. It was a fun little project really. They got Keith’s dad’s old radio up and running, painted and dusted and hammered to the sounds of the Garrison’s variety radio show (dubbed so because the taste in music ranged from Kpop to country blues).  Sometimes Shiro was able to coax Keith into singing with him, Keith turning scarlet red under his mother’s bemused and affectionate stare.

 

It was nice.  Strange, definitely not what Shiro expected being back on Earth would feel like, but the aching awkwardness of being around other humans again was dulled by the warm feeling he got in the pit of his stomach sitting on the porch late at night, snuggled between a cosmic wolf and two tipsy Galran warriors, sipping peach tea and whiskey beneath the stars.  

 

It was the image Shiro played over and over in his head as he attended a meeting with Sam and Iverson.  The aim was to work out an outline of the agreement between the Voltron Coalition and the governing bodies of Earth, moderated by the Galaxy Garrison of course.  Allura sat regal and confident to his side, a remarkably reassuring presence to be certain, and did most of the talking herself. The main reason Shiro was even present was because Keith flat out refused to go, predictably enough.  Judging by the literal sigh of relief Iverson breathed when Shiro showed up instead, he guessed that was probably for the best. Still, the setting wasn’t helping Shiro’s mood any. The last time he had sat in this conference room, being stared down by Iverson and the board beside Sam Holt, he had been vying for the green light to fly to Kerberos.  Back then, the universe outside their planet had been an enticing, foreign, amazing mistress. Shiro knew all too well she was a cruel one too. In his darker moments, Shiro let himself ponder over that choice. Had it been worth it? Had going upstream against the will and advice of almost every single person in his life to reach a goal he thought he would be robbed of forever at the expense of his sanity, arm, and life on Earth been worth it?  He had not been without a future here on Earth. A lofty teaching job, a nice posh house with a white picket fence, a husband to come home to. He pictured the golden ring he had kept in his locker, hidden inside of a book he had read cover to cover a million times, tied to a bookmark.

 

Shiro smiled ruefully down at the table.  Would he even be himself if he had settled for that?  Most men would damn near never call that settling, he knew.  Shiro had always been the type to shoot for the stars though.

 

When the meeting had concluded, he spared no time getting the hell out of there.  Allura shot him a look over her shoulder that told him he owed her. That was a debt he didn’t mind having.  The plan was to call Keith on their holopad frequency and have him swing by on the hoverbike to pick him up. They had a bit of shopping to do anyway.  However, as Shiro turned the corner towards the foyer he quickly realized that plan would probably not hold up.

 

It had been a little over two years and Adam looked almost exactly the same as he had when he walked out of Shiro’s life that day.  Almost the exact same, since the dark rings under his eyes had disappeared. Good, Shiro managed to think to himself, that meant he was sleeping well and God knew the man didn’t need anymore things stressing him out and keeping him up at night. For a moment, Shiro wondered if that moment would pass like a leaf in the breeze, just a nod and a hello, then going their mutual ways again.  And that was a heartbreaking thought. He and Adam had known each other since they first got into the Garrison. They’d been close friends for longer than Shiro had known most people. There had been a time where Adam had known every secret, every dream, every thought roaming Shiro’s brain, and vice versa. He had been gearing himself up to propose to that man, had fully expected him to be Shiro’s forever.

 

Maybe that expectation had been misplaced, but that didn’t mean Shiro could just be happy with slicing that huge part of himself out completely.  He liked to think the single huge instance of bad didn’t negate all the years of companionship and good that they had had. Then, Adam’s eyes met his and the other’s body went rimrod straight and Shiro knew that he wasn’t the only one overwhelmed by this.

 

“Hey,” Shiro greeted, almost sheepish.

 

Adam swallowed, mouth quirking, “Takashi, uh, hello.  I had heard you were back, but…”

 

He hadn’t known if Shiro wanted to see him.  That was fair. Shiro still wasn’t sure, even now.  “Yeah, It’s been hectic to say the least. I hope you’ve been doing alright.”

 

“Pretty well, actually.  I got that flight instructor job I had been after for, well, you know how long. I’m seeing someone again. It’s been amazing aside from our planet being briefly invaded by aliens.”  Adam shot him a wry smile. “Thanks for getting rid of them, by the way. Those ships your team pilots really are something.”

 

Something dark and ugly swirled in Shiro’s stomach.  While his life fell to smaller and smaller pieces out in the vast vacuum of space, Adam’s had come together beautifully, with no evidence of there being a Shiro shaped hole in it.  Chewing his lip, Shiro banished those bitter thoughts. It wasn’t as if there was an Adam shaped hole in his life either. After all, the path he was walking wouldn’t have changed even if Adam  _ had _ been waiting for him here at home.  This was the more merciful option for both parties, he told himself.  Shiro fought to keep the smile on his face as honest as possible. “That’s wonderful, Adam.  Really. I’m glad to hear it.” Raising a hand in a wave, he gently excused himself before his mind could twist this meeting around more than it already had. “It was nice seeing you, but I should get going.”

 

“Oh, I meant to ask where you’re staying.”

 

Shiro released a sigh through his nose, dreading where this was going.  “Keith has a place out in the desert, about a mile or so from the town, toward the cliffs.”

 

He could hear the confusion in Adam’s voice.  “Keith? Keith Kogane? That little cadet that used to follow you around all the time?”

 

“Not so little anymore.  He’s the leader of team Voltron now.  And the best friend I could ask for out there.”

 

Adam nodded to himself mostly, eyes unreadable.  “Is that so?” His tone of voice was a mix of incredulous and melancholy and Shiro wasn’t sure what to do with it.  “He followed you into space then?”

 

Shaking his head, Shiro smiled a bit and corrected, “We went together.”  With Sam’s daughter and two of Keith’s peers, he should have added, but for some reason he didn’t want to make this about them.

 

That must had appeased him in some way, because Adam snapped back into his neutral smile and offered to give him a ride to Keith’s.  Shiro honestly wasn’t sure what made him agree to it. Shiro’s social battery ran at about 35% on his best days recently, but this past conversation had dropped that down to 5% within a couple of awkward minutes.  But, he figured, shooting off a message to Keith saying he had found a ride back and would be there shortly, he himself had wanted this relationship between them to not fall completely flat. That required being able to spend time together without wanting to put his consciousness back into Black to avoid the sting of long dormant emotional wounds.  Despite agreeing to the ride back, they really didn’t talk much, aside from Shiro giving out directions here and there. Which, at his current state of mind, suited Shiro just fine. Watching the familiar sands go by from the inside of Adam’s loud, cluttered hovertruck, he could almost pretend this wasn’t one of the most alien things in his life right now.  That being on Earth next to someone he spent over five years with wasn’t more bizarre than fighting for his life against the Galra or eating Coran’s strange food creations. Shiro was so lost in thought that he barely noticed when the shack came into view.

 

Adam brought the truck to a firm halt in front of the shack, the engine clunking as it turned off, plunging them into the awkward silence Shiro had been avoiding for the duration of the drive. Blink's head rose to attention at the sound, tail wagging at the sight of Shiro in the passenger seat, though he didn't move from his spot lounging on the front step. He managed a smile for what felt like the first time in ages. Earth may not have felt like home anymore but this sure did. Here, in Black's cockpit, on a rocky planet bathed in perpetual sunset. It didn't really matter. Keith, his cosmic wolf and stoic, but warm mother had grown to be achingly familiar over the past few weeks. 

 

Shiro huffed a sigh, gathering his mettle enough to stumble through the world's most awkward farewell, when Adam spoke, "Takashi." Slowly, Shiro turned to face him. That name, his given name, which no one used except his family and his former beloved, used to make his skin explode into pleasant goosebumps. Now, the knowledge that Adam was a former anything made his stomach turn at the sound of that name. Shiro nodded to him, trying not to grimace. "Seeing you again has been... different than I thought it would be. Startlingly so. But, listen...I'm really glad you're alright."

 

He sounded earnest. Shiro met his eyes with surprising ease and managed a smile. "Yeah, same here. Looks like you have done well for yourself, Adam. I'm glad."

 

"I'm sorry."

 

The words came quickly, clumsily. They shocked Shiro into silence, unable to do anything but blink idly. Adam's expression was clouded, brow furrowed and mouth set in a deep frown.

 

The other chewed his lip a bit before continuing, "I really am. It haunted me ever since they announced that the mission was a failure. We left things on such awful terms. And you were just...gone."

 

Shiro nodded slowly, eyes becoming more steely. "Yes. Because you offered me a choice between you and all my hard fought hopes and dreams. Can't imagine how things could have not ended on awful terms, honestly."

 

The man had the wherewithal to look chastised by that. Shiro wasn't sure that made him feel any better. "I know. I make no excuses. It was incredibly selfish of me. I was scared that you'd die out there, but that wasn't a good reason to use our relationship as emotional blackmail like that. Like I said, I'm sorry." Shiro bit his tongue against the flood of things boiling in his brain.  _ You're still managing to sound victimized here. Your apologies won't change anything. I did die out there. _ Swallowing hard, he gazed back out the window towards the shack again. He could just barely make out Krolia, obviously watching him from the window. Nice to know he had backup if he needed it.

 

Keith's form stilled near his mother, eyes meeting Shiro’s briefly, before shooing Krolia away and disappearing from view. Shiro really did smile then. Nicer still to have someone around that trusted him implicitly, but also knew when to step in as support. He let that quiet, unyielding trust wash over him, turning to meet Adam's eyes once more.

 

"Tell me honestly. If you could go back to that time and change how you reacted, would you?"

 

Adam blanched a bit. They sat in a silence that Shiro honestly appreciated, because it meant that he was taking this seriously. Finally, the other man licked his lips and shakily replied, "No." Shiro successfully held in a flinch. "I mean, yes, but not... substantially. I would have heard more of your side first, tried to see through your eyes. But, Takashi, you did get hurt out there. And you can hate me for it if you want, but I would rather you be heartbroken than torn to pieces." With a nod, Adam concluded, "It sounds awful but I would probably have still done my best to make you stay."

 

It did sound awful. And Shiro did want to hate him. But such emotions were beyond his reach. The scar was too old to sting. And truly was nothing compared to the phantom pain in the vacant space near his right shoulder. Or the deep ache he still felt from being unused to his body. Honestly, Shiro didn't expect an answer any different than what he had gotten.

 

"You do realize you can only say that because you're speaking from a place of privilege, right?  It wasn’t  _ your _ only chance to fulfill your lifelong dream.   _ You _ weren’t sick."

 

Nodding, Adam agreed, "Yes, completely. I have no idea what it was like in your shoes. What it still is like."

 

Shiro sighed, leaning heavily against the seat back. "For your sake, I hope you never do."

 

Reaching over to push the door open, Shiro hopped out of the truck, stretching a bit. The air was surprisingly cool, a good breeze coming off the dunes. The sky was an endless sea of blue, speckled by the very occasional cloud. With weather this nice, it would have been criminal not to enjoy it with an afternoon hoverbike ride. He's have to ask Keith about it later. Not that it would be a hard sell. Turning back to Adam, he held the door open for a moment, appreciating how much things had changed. The wistful face before him had once been the most important one he knew. Now, he had no trouble conjuring up violet eyes and a mischievous grin that most people never saw. 

 

"I wouldn't change my choice either," he decided aloud, an honest smile on his face. "So I guess neither of us has anything to regret. With regards to how this all turned out."

 

"Takashi..."

 

"Shiro," he corrected, almost giddy with how light he felt. "No one calls me Takashi anymore." He didn't need to make his point any more clear.  _ You don't have the right to that name anymore. _

 

Adam nodded, an almost amused expression on his face, "No one?" His gaze was directed behind Shiro. A quick glance behind him revealed Keith leaning against the open door frame, looking cool and unaffected as ever. Shiro knew better though. Keith's posture practically screamed impatience.

 

With a grin, Shiro amended, "No one yet."

 

Adam huffed, smiling. "Can't say I'm surprised. He wasn't exactly subtle back then." His voice turned soft. "I'm glad about that too, then. He'll be good to you."

 

"He already is. I'm only here right now because of him."

 

Putting the key back in the ignition, Adam sent him one last strained smile. "Good. Take care of yourself, Shiro."

 

"You too, Adam." And with that he shut the door firmed and waved, before turning back to his eagerly awaiting best friend. 

 

Keith's eyes stayed trained on his, neither of them bothering to watch Adam drive off, only hearing the roar of the truck grow fainter and fainter in the distance. There was a subtle flush to Keith's cheeks that wasn't due to the heat of their desert home. (At least, it had better not have been after they spent so much effort getting window unit ACs set up in the shack.) Violet eyes sparkled just enough to let Shiro know that his conversation hadn't evaded Keith's outrageous hearing. Pulling Keith into the best one arm hug he could manage, Shiro acknowledged that "No one yet" would find a nice place to live next to "You're my brother, I love you" on the shelf of Things They Weren't Talking About Just Yet.

 

Smiling into Keith's hair, Shiro decided he could live with that. At least a little while longer.

**Author's Note:**

> So how about that SDCC panel huh??? I'm honestly still reeling from the overload of Shiro and Keith backstory, Shiro being a confirmed mlm individual, and the slap in the face that was his illness and the termination of his relationship with Adam. How the hell did Takashi Shirogane become the most relatable source of representation for LGBT, PTSD, chronic illness, and POC individuals? Who cares! We love and treasure him anyway.
> 
> I'm so damn excited to see how Season 7 is going to handle Shiro and Keith's ever deepening relationship as well as the possibility of Shiro meeting Adam again. It's gonna be a looooong 13 episodes, full of emotions and actions and man, I'm pumped.
> 
> With regards to this fic: I really wanted to stress that Adam himself is probably not a bad person. He and Shiro were together for multiple happy years before all of that sad drama concerning Kerberos and Shiro's illness. The guy definitely made a mistake, but sadly he made a very common one? I have definitely seen people in my own life keep their distance from me with my life was spiraling out of control because they simply didn't know how to fix it and were scared for me (or of making it worse). That absolutely doesn't excuse him from the fact that he made it about himself and hurt Shiro when he needed him most, but as an adult I'm slowly coming to realize that blaming people for very commonplace responses is like trying to keep kittens in a single place for more than 10 minutes. It's only going to frustrate you. Luckily, Shiro has someone by his side that has never once given up on him and likely will never give up on him. (Can I have a Keith Kogane please? I've been super good, Santa.)
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed this. If you want to chat with me, my inbox is always open at kairiofknives(dot)tumblr(dot)com. Come say hi!!!


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